


To Live in Hearts We Leave Behind

by thatnerdemryn



Series: Caught Under His Spell [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Comfort, Developing Friendships, Immortality, M/M, Memories, Mortality, Past Relationship(s), Relationship Advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:20:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22902316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatnerdemryn/pseuds/thatnerdemryn
Summary: A year into their relationship, Andrew realizes him and Lorenzo never talked about his looming mortality. He seeks out a little advice from the expert himself.
Relationships: Lorenzo Rey/Andrew Underhill, Magnus Bane & Andrew Underhill, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Caught Under His Spell [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1366630
Comments: 16
Kudos: 125





	To Live in Hearts We Leave Behind

There were lots of things about warlocks that Andrew hadn't known before he started dating one. He hadn't known about their tendency to embellish the truth or their self esteem issues regarding their warlock marks. He hadn't known about their name-dropping skills or how integral their magic was to their very being. Alec had helped him with every aspect of his relationship with Lorenzo and he needed him to handle the new crisis that had Andrew pacing back and forth in front of the familiar door after said crisis seemed to hit him like a ton of unexpected bricks. Right as he gained enough courage to knock, the door swung open to reveal Magnus standing in the doorway. Andrew ran his hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. 

“Uh, hi, Magnus,” Andrew stuttered as he peeked in to try and see if Alec was inside. Magnus raised his eyebrows and gestured for Andrew to enter. He did, shuffling his feet, but not moving much further than the entryway. 

“You’re here to see Alec, I presume?” Magnus asked. Andrew just shrugged noncommittally and Magnus sighed. “Alec will be back in an hour or so. You’re more than welcome to wait. I can just go hang in my…” Andrew looked up, his face more panicked than he wanted it to be judging by the way Magnus’ words trailed off. “Or we can sit? Have a drink?” Andrew nodded and dragged his feet over to the couch, dropping down with a sigh. 

“Thanks. I, uh, I didn’t think I was here to talk to you, but maybe I am?” Andrew rambled as Magnus took a seat in the chair opposite of him. Magnus nodded and conjured a martini into his hand before raising his eyebrows at Andrew. He shook his head and laced his fingers together, knowing that if Magnus was anything like Lorenzo, an open hand meant the possibility of a drink magically appearing. 

“What are you here to talk about?” Magnus asked slowly as he swirled his pinky around the rim of his drink. Andrew watched it closely, thankful for the visual distraction. He unlaced his fingers and rubbed them against his thighs before grumbling an unintelligible response. Magnus put his drink down on the table in front of them and leaned closer to where Andrew rested on the couch. “I can’t quite hear you,” Magnus commented. Andrew shook his head before reaching into his holster for his stele. Magnus leaned back quickly as if surprised by the sudden movement and Andrew’s eyes widened as he shook his head. 

“I just-- I need something… extra?” Andrew said as he ran his stele over the rune on his forearm. He felt the rush of endorphins flood through him as the rune activated and Magnus nodded understandingly as he inspected the glowing rune. 

“Fearless, correct? Must be pretty serious if runes are needed,” Magnus observed. Andrew’s shoulders stiffened again and he went to speak, but no sound came out. Magnus tilted his head and leaned forward again in his seat, resting a comforting hand on Andrew’s knee. “I’m going to guess there is something warlock related you need to talk about?” Andrew nodded, pressing his lips together. He was grateful for the bit of contact when he felt a small amount of magic radiating from Magnus’ fingers. 

“You’re immortal,” Andrew blurted out like it wasn’t common knowledge for everyone in the room. Magnus nodded slowly and took a dramatic sip of his drink as if telling Andrew to get to the point. 

“Warlocks are immortal,” Magnus responded after a few moments of silence. Andrew nodded and glanced around the room, taking in the small touches of Alec and Magnus' relationship strewn about. There were many photo booth strips, ticket stubs, and small charms adorning the walls that all seemed to have a story. A story that Andrew couldn’t help but think Magnus would forget once Alec was long gone. _Just like Lorenzo would forget him._ He rubbed harder at his thighs and gripped his nails into the fabric as even the fearless rune activated on his skin wasn't enough to calm his nerves. 

“Alec is mortal,” Andrew whispered before he looked up at Magnus and added, “ _I’m_ mortal.” Even though he had the realization earlier, it still had his breath heaving out of him, heavier and less controlled in panic. He only relaxed when he felt Magnus’ hand move to his and grip softly. 

“And Lorenzo isn’t. Is that all this is about?” Andrew nodded solemnly and leaned back against the couch, taking a deep breath to try to steady himself.

“I had never thought about it before. I mean, we’ve only been together for a year, but when that year hit--” Andrew shook his head and exhaled what breath was left in his lungs. “One year is nothing to someone who is immortal, but it’s so much to me.” Magnus nodded along and hummed in response, but it wasn't enough to give Andrew any indication of what he was thinking.

“One year with a person _is_ important to an immortal, Andrew. One year may seem like a blip on the screen of our lives, but it’s still a year that we get to be with a person we love. It’s not a small feat for any relationship,” Magnus explained.

Andrew gestured around the room - at all of the memories that decorated their shared space - and said, “There are so many memories in this loft. How will you--” He glanced at Magnus as he aborted his question, realizing that it was inconsiderate of him to bring up something Magnus probably didn't want to be reminded of. 

“How will I deal with losing my husband when he dies a horrible shadowhunter death?” Magnus smiled up at him, the teasing tone to his voice throwing Andrew for a loop. He wondered how Magnus could be so nonchalant about Alec dying. Magnus chuckled and stepped over to a small bookshelf, pulling out a wooden box. He opened it, a soft smile on his face, before placing it on the table in front of Andrew. Andrew leaned over and took in the contents of the box, his eyes gravitating to the Traynor guitar pick, the thimble, a ticket stub, and the assortment of keys that were spread across the bottom. He glanced back up at Magnus with wide eyes and all he could see was the sadness in Magnus' staring right back at him. 

“Everything in this box has a memory of a person attached to it. There’s a guitar pick from one of my fantastic nights with Freddie, a stub from the first Mozart concert I attended with the beautiful Marie, and the keys to many broken hearts, to name a few,” Magnus said casually as it the remnants of his past hadn't pained him. Andrew studied each of the objects again, deciding to ignore every question that was circling around his mind in favor of just one. 

“Is the hurt worth it?” Andrew asked, his voice shy and timid in a way he hadn’t heard from himself before. But he needed to know. He needed to understand if he was going to be the cause of Lorenzo’s unending pain. The pain that Andrew saw flicker across Magnus’ eyes the minute he opened his box. Magnus seemed to ponder the question and that scared Andrew more than he thought it would. 

“The hurt is… unavoidable. Though, if you ask me if I would trade my years with Alec for years with another immortal being, the answer is easy,” Magnus explained, the sadness in his eyes replaced with a joy Andrew couldn’t explain. “I would be hurt one million times over as long as it meant I got to kiss Alec goodnight and wake up with him every morning.” Andrew felt his heart contract as he saw the love flood Magnus’ eyes and he felt compelled to reach out a hand to Magnus’ shoulder.

Another invasive thought overwhelmed him as his pleading eyes met Magnus’ and he asked, "What if I’m _not_ worth it?” Magnus rested his hand on top of Andrew’s that hadn't moved from his shoulder and squeezed tightly. 

“You have to remember something, Andrew. Lorenzo chose one year with you over one year with someone who he may never lose. That’s important to us and it's the answer to every question you may have,” Magnus remarked. Before Andrew could respond, the door opened with a creak and Alec stepped into the living room. He took a quick look at their hands and raised an eyebrow, motioning between the two of them. Neither of them made a move away too quickly and Andrew was grateful for the comfort Magnus had provided him. 

“One warlock not enough for you, Underhill?” Alec joked as he walked further into the room and placed a gentle kiss on Magnus’ cheek. His eyes darted to the table that held Magnus’ box before they glanced at Magnus, his eyes laced with concern. For a moment, Andrew was worried it was a secret Magnus hadn't let Alec in on, but then Alec muttered, “Everything okay?” He cupped Magnus’ cheek in his hand and Magnus nodded as he leaned into the touch.

Andrew scooted back on the couch to let Alec provide the comfort he needed, not wanting to interfere with the moment. He had watched the two interact often, an unavoidable task as they now both worked for the Clave, and was always pleasantly surprised by their affection. They always regarded one another with soft touches if they in each other's reach and sideways glances if they weren’t. It had always made Andrew’s heart race when he first saw the open devotion. He often heard his fellow shadowhunters refer to them as the 'impossible couple' and would listen to them gossip about things they had known nothing about. He would never tell Alec about the Institute pool of when the two would break up or Magnus would betray Alec because he had shut it down before anyone had the chance to collect. Andrew _had_ won a very large sum of money on their wedding night - Izzy was pissed they had gotten married prior to her 6 month guess but Andrew had known 3 months was all it would take - and used it to take Lorenzo out on their first date. It seemed fitting. 

“Andrew here needed a heart to heart and his usual go-to was busy. I hope you don’t mind me stepping in,” Magnus commented as he scrunched his nose at Alec, a sweet smile on his face. Alec looked down on him with such fondness in his eyes that Andrew felt as though he was intruding. He stood up and started toward the door when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“You gonna be okay?” Alec asked in a low voice. Andrew nodded and smiled at him reassuringly. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever told you how great Magnus is,” Andrew commented as he reached for the door handle. He pulled it open and took one last glance at Alec which proved to be pointless as Alec only had eyes for Magnus lounging back in his chair. 

“He is, isn’t he?” Alec said as he shut the door behind Andrew. Andrew took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly, regaining the composure he left outside the door earlier before his feet took him where he longed to go next. 

* * *

Andrew once again found himself pacing outside yet another door, that time belonging to Lorenzo. He didn’t have nearly the same amount of time to stress because before he had time to knock, Lorenzo pulled open the door with a troubled look on his face. Andrew sighed and instinctively pulled him into a tight hug, his eyes closing as he breathed in the man enveloping him. Lorenzo grasped at the back of his shirt and held them solidly together. 

“You talked to Magnus...” Andrew guessed and Lorenzo nodded into his shoulder before pulling away. He rested a gentle hand on Andrew's jaw and stroked his thumb across his cheek, his gaze laced with worry. Andrew inhaled deeply as he leaned into the touch and pressed a soft kiss into Lorenzo’s palm. He could practically feel Lorenzo’s restlessness as he ran a hand through Lorenzo’s hair, letting it glide down his back to rest on his hip. 

“He _just_ told me to expect you which is uncharacteristic for how much Magnus loves to gossip,” Lorenzo rambled as he pressed a hand to Andrew’s chest. Andrew felt the familiar tingle of Lorenzo’s magic and an instant sense of calm washed over him. “Can you at least tell me if you’re okay?” Lorenzo asked cautiously as his eyes searched Andrew’s. Andrew nodded as he laced their fingers together and urged Lorenzo toward the living room.

Before either of them could sit, he pulled from the last thread of angelic fearlessness instilled upon him and blurted, “Magnus has a box." Lorenzo seemed puzzled for a moment and his eyebrows raised as if that hadn't answered his question, so Andrew continued. "Of memories, I guess he would call it. Do you have one?” Andrew didn’t miss the dart of his eyes toward a spare bedroom a few feet away. Andrew cupped Lorenzo’s face in his hands and smiled reassuringly. 

“I’m sure you know the answer to that,” Lorenzo responded, though not unkindly. Andrew could tell he was apprehensive, so he leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on his lips, a press that only lasted for a few moments. It was just enough for Andrew to see Lorenzo’s shoulders relax as the tension dissipated. Lorenzo eyed him as if considering his next steps before he nodded his head and walking into the room his eyes had moved to before. Andrew wanted to respect his privacy, so he stayed put and just listened to what sounded like heavy wooden frames knocking against the wall. He heard Lorenzo’s magic chiming unfamiliarly, and he tilted his head in an attempt to listen closer. With a soft click and a long creak, the sound of Lorenzo’s footsteps began again. 

He saw the box before anything else. It looked as though it was made of some sort of stone, carefully carved with an intricate design on the lid. When Lorenzo was close enough, Andrew studied it. There were trees that seemed to sprout from the sides, covering the woodland creatures peeking from the tangled vines. The carving was beautifully unique and Andrew couldn’t help but chuckle at how much it was unlike what he expected Lorenzo to hold his most important memories in. It was as if Lorenzo read his mind as he spoke up with a sigh. 

“The box itself is a cherished memory. A seelie, Gerah, I once knew gifted it to me with his last dying breath of magic. We saw immortality very differently to say the least. I had always seen it as a gift, he saw it as a curse. I didn’t keep any memories before this box, choosing to discard them the minute the pain became too much,” Lorenzo explained as he sat down with the box in his lap. He ran his hand over the lid gently and smiled, a very similar smile to the one that crossed Magnus’ lips when he had done the same. “But I realized that the pain simmered and when I _wanted_ to think of the good, I had nothing to trigger the fading memories.” He opened the lid, but Andrew didn’t look inside. He searched Lorenzo’s eyes and his chest contracted when he saw the hurt and the suffering pool in them. He wanted to look away, ignore the pain he would inevitably be the cause of, but the words Lorenzo had just spoken echoed across his mind. He kept his eyes on Lorenzo’s long enough to see the flashes of happiness and… comfort. 

“Can you show them to me?” Andrew asked. Lorenzo looked up in surprise and Andrew couldn’t ignore the familiar fondness he saw in the warlock's eyes. He nodded and picked up a small bag, unlacing the drawstrings and pouring a cameo into his hand. Andrew considered it for a moment before glancing up at Lorenzo. 

“This was from Abigail,” Lorenzo started, pausing as if in wait, and Andrew nodded at him to continue. “In 1832, I met a beautiful woman while I lived in England and this woman,” he shook his head as he trailed off, a small chuckle escaping from his lips. Andrew had to smile along with him. “This woman decided that the drive for higher moral standards was _not_ something she wanted to be a part of. She wore this pendant as low on her neckline as she could to fight against moral propriety. She might have been the first and last woman I ever fell in love with.” Andrew eyed the cameo again before Lorenzo placed it delicately back into the bag. Andrew took the slightest glance down into the box and gasped when he saw a stele lining the bottom. 

“How did you--” Andrew trailed off as Lorenzo picked up the stele, the end glowing red in a way he had never seen before. 

“This belonged to Alvaro,” Lorenzo said gently, rolling the name in his native Spanish accent, “a shadowhunter I had the pleasure of knowing in 1875. I know I shouldn’t have this, but…” Andrew shook his head and placed his hand over Lorenzo’s, the stele glowing its usual white the minute their skin touched. Lorenzo gaped at it and let it fall to the box once more, shaking his head as if the memory was a bit stronger than he intended to remember that night. Both of them seemed to choose to ignore it as Lorenzo reached underneath it to pick up a warn down pamphlet with the _New York Shakespeare Festival_ written elegantly across the cover. 

“From your acting days?” Andrew teased to try and ease the simmering tension between them. He pushed his shoulder against Lorenzo’s when the warlock gaped at him, a mock offended look on his face. Andrew leaned his head on his shoulder and took the pamphlet from his hand. 

“I’ll have you know, I played the best Malcolm Macbeth had ever seen!” Lorenzo argued. He pressed a kiss to Andrew’s head before sighing. “I met Raul during that play. Now, Raul? _He_ could act. He did amazing things during his life, more amazing than I could have ever dreamed. He started in a park, took over Broadway, and eventually landed himself on the big screen. And not _once_ did he forget to send me a ticket stub from whatever stage he graced.” Lorenzo smiled at the memory and placed the pamphlet back into the box. He was about to pull out another memory when Andrew stopped him. 

“When did he die?” Andrew asked as he noticed the more recent date on the pamphlet. Lorenzo shook his head and looked up at the ceiling, his throat bobbing with what Andrew assumed was unshed emotion. 

“1994. One bad batch of sushi, a stroke, and a coma later… I never got any more ticket stubs,” Lorenzo replied sadly. Andrew nodded and turned his face into Lorenzo’s neck, inhaling deeply as he heard the box shut. “What brought all of this on, Andrew?” He whispered as his hand ran down Andrew’s arm to lace their fingers together. Andrew couldn’t bring himself to look up at him just yet. 

“I love you, Lorenzo,” Andrew said simply as he finally reached for the courage to glance up into Lorenzo’s eyes. “I love you and it _scares_ me. Not in the way love should scare someone, either. It terrifies me that one day, I’ll be another memory in this carefully crafted box.” Lorenzo’s eyes widened and he squeezed Andrew’s hand tighter in his. 

“You’re no less important to me than anyone in this--” Andrew pushed himself off of the couch quickly and ran his hands through his hair, trying to ignore the obvious absence of Lorenzo’s touch. 

“That’s not it, Ren. It's not that I think you're going to toss me away for safekeeping, it's--" Andrew paced in front of Lorenzo, trying to come up with the best explanation he could without sounding like a total fool. He wasn't scared or jealous or whatever Lorenzo was seemingly assuming based on the furrow of his eyebrows and the slight purse of his lips. Andrew took a deep breath and explained, "I don’t deserve to be another memory in your box, another pain in your heart. I--”

Andrew wasn't able to finish his thought as Lorenzo stood and pulled him into a passionate kiss. Whenever Lorenzo kissed him, it was like he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t _function_. That time was no different. It was as if his entire world stopped and they were the only thing that mattered. Andrew held him back, his arms winding around Lorenzo’s neck as he gripped whatever he could get his hands on. He pushed everything he had into this kiss - everything he didn’t think he could have - and hoped Lorenzo understood how much he loved him. 

“You stupid, _stupid_ shadowhunter,” Lorenzo murmured into his lips. Andrew was afraid to pull away too much or open his eyes, not knowing if he was ready for the emotion he thought he would see so blatantly on Lorenzo’s face. Lorenzo didn't seem to mind though as he said, “Every single person in that box is important to me, but none of them have ever cared for me as much as you do. They never cared or even thought that their mortality was something that would cause _me_ suffering. You, Andrew,” he trailed off with a sigh and Andrew had to open his eyes as Lorenzo cupped his face gently in his hands, “care more than anyone else I’ve _ever_ met. That alone makes you deserving of every memory and every inevitable notion of pain I will feel when I lose you.” Andrew nodded and rested his forehead against Lorenzo’s. “I am never ready for the hurt, but I am _not_ prepared to lose you anytime soon, Andrew.”

As he felt Lorenzo’s heartbeat against his, he realized that the memories Lorenzo chose to keep were his own. And he wasn’t ready to be one just yet. 

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, how I love a good talk of mortality. These boys make me so soft. 
> 
> Let me know what you think on [Tumblr](https://archeryandeyeliner.tumblr.com/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/thatnerdemilyj). 
> 
> Please leave kudos if you like it and comment to make me smile.


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